This Place Is Inconvenient For My Name

Hey guys, it’s been a while since I last wrote anything down for you to read but I’ve been a busy lady of late, I think it’s what you kids would call a social life. Well I went and bagged myself I man we’ve been together now for 10 months now (not that I’m counting like lol), returned to work full time after taking some time out for personal reasons and watching my baby boy grow into a little man with attitude is highly amusing and amazing at the same time so all in all as Justin Lee Collins would say, “Good Times”

P.s I promise I won’t post any blog’s declaring my undying love for my other half cause that for two reasons being that: I don’t do cheese and it’s just way too tacky but I can reassure you it will probably have lots of blog’s complaining about said partner, where else is a girl to vent my her anger without it coming back to bite her on the arse? Lol

I attended my step dad's funeral the other day, the cancer finally took him. I was sitting outside the chapel of rest waiting for the previous party to leave and I was taken aback by how serene a graveyard could be, I felt almost at peace if that makes sense. Sitting there, my cheeks frozen and nose red by the chill in the air, it was a clear and crisp day, with the birds crowing in the background, a perfect funeral movie scene if ever there was one, it made me chuckle slightly. How I found amusement in such a sad day is beyond me but if I didn't find the laughter from somewhere the tears would invariably flow and I wasn't quite ready just yet, to say goodbye.

I was watching these people milling about and it struck me how there was an unspoken bond between all of them, united by their grief of a relative or close friend. Knowing glances and empty hugs were exchanged but reassuring all the same, being a vetran of such an occasion it just reminded me that through the sadness and sorrow that engulfed us, it would eventually ebb away and the days wouldn''t seem so dark. I remember feeling that it wouldn't be hard I just had to be there for my mother, how wrong was I? Whether age has factored into my logic of thinking these days I can't be sure but I was sobbing with the best of them but I must interject here and explain that my step dad's father came out of retirement to perform his own son's funeral and at the ripe ole age of 84 neverless.

He talked about bravery, how there where many forms the obvious being soliders going off to fight for queen and country, fireman, polieman etc but then the unspoke bravery of a man with the knowledge of his impending death and battling against the will to give up before his time. My stepdad underwent varoius guinea pig like experiments for cancer research which in the end didn't help him but whe asked if he thought it was worth it, he answered for him personally no, but if someday it contributed towrds helping another human life, then yes.

Right on the cue the tears began to flow, it was only then did it register that my stepdad was gone, I wouldn't get to see his cheeky smile when visting with my son, or engaging him in some random conversation about which ever reality show had my attention at the time (for which he would berate me on so many levels) this was his way of humouring me.

Yet the thing that made me ache inside was the knowledge I had let him get close to me, I saw him as my father and as quickly he came into my life he was taken away. After losing my real father I made it my business not to get pally with mum's partner's for fear of losing them but as times gone by the untrusting barriers I had so carefully bulit around my heart melted when mum had met my stepdad. He was so honest and open from the start and I could't help taking a shine to him, he was a fantastic man and brilliant with my mum. I hope wherever he is, he's happy and that one day I'll meet him again.

Domestice abuse is a delicate subject to talk about I know but I feel I need to before I explode in frustration. The reason being is someone close to me who for obvious reasons I can't name is physically and mentally abusing to his partner, the mother of his child. I have tried many a time help her get away from him but just when you think she's genno take that step she backs off and stays with him.

I've tried to rationalise this in my head and try to understand from her point of view why she hasn't left him sooner because if I ever, ever found myself in that position where my partner became abusive I would walk out of the door like a shot, believe you me. I really feel strongly about this as being subjected to many a abusive senario with my own mother and father over the years kind of makes you more strong in your resolve to do things differently in the future.

The person in question I have to tell you is a very clever, calculating and a manipulative piece of work, bascically he's bad'un and didn't fall far from the apple tree, let me assure you. The fact is he has the tendency to twist things around and make himself look like the victim and has a perchance for attention seeking to the point of self harm. This only ever happens when he's had a few beers which is followed by the obligatory morning after 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean it' speech.

Now I asked my mum why it took her so long to leave my dad being in the same situation, she said she stayed for my brother and I as she wanted us to have a father figure in our lives, even if that meant aquring the odd black eye or bruise in the process. It's beyond me, it really is but then life isn't black and white is it? It has the subtle line of grey gushing through the middle which make's everything that little more complicated.

I feel at a complete and utter loss at what to do because I know if I notify the appropriate authorities to act upon this then said victim will deny all knowledge thus leaving them with no alternative to drop the allegations. If I take it upon myself to confront the bully himself all I would be acheiving there is more abusive for the victim at a later date.

I had this over whelming urge to watch 'Santa Claus The Movie' last night, (for reasons I can't fathom) which led me to thinking about our family Christmas's.

How we had the best-decorated house in the street and the Christmas tree was your piste de resistance. How I long to be 8 years old again on Christmas Eve getting ready for bed, excited Santa was coming (it wasn't until I was 10 years old did I realise the guy in the 'fat suit' was you) leaving the traditional mince pie and a glass of milk. Only when Santa started asking for a can of 'beer' instead of milk, I knew then it was you but I pretended I still believed because it was nice if only for a little while to escape into a land of make believe.

Don't get me wrong there were a lot of bad memories I remember about you but after a while, not so much and that can only be a good thing right? When is it we forget about the bad stuff and romanticise the good memories we have of our passed relatives?

I mean my friends are so lucky to still have their dad's around, they still get to fight and argue with them which I never got to do with you and not to sound detrimental but I don't think they will realise that until they are gone.

For all your shit Dad I miss your terribly and I never realised how much until recently because for a really long time I felt nothing about your passing. I was too busy being angry with you for leaving my brother and I without a father but as time has gone by and I've had a child of my own it's opened up a Pandora's box let me tell you. I get so emotional about anything and everything, which is ironic considering I was brought up in a family who believed emotions were a sign of weakness.

Well all I seem to do lately is dwell on the past; you and what life would be like if you were here still. I so wish you could've met my son, he's a right character and for what it's worth I think, no I know you would have made a great Granddad. Thinking of you always x

Slimfast or not to Slimfast that is the question. Well I have decided to take the bull by the horns and force myself to drink this so called miracle drink. It's clever really masquerading it's self as a milkshake when in fact it is fowl tasting gloop! If I had more time on my hands I would quite gladly go the gym but between working fulltime and motherhood demanding as it is, doesn't leave a lot of time for me. Maybe it's selfish but the weekend is the only real time I get to spend with my son and I don't fancy spending my spare time in the gym.

I really do miss the adrenalin rush after a good workout because even though I've been eating healthy for the last couple of hours (insert laughter here) I still feel I need to exercise. Before I was blessed with my offspring I had lost just 6 stone (I'm always in a constant battle with my weight - then again who isn't?) and was feeling good about myself. I'll be honest it wasn't easy it took sheer willpower, protein shakes and lots of exercise to lose it all.

As I sit here and type my stomach is growling and I feel like someone has cut my throat. I am not ashamed to admit that I love food but in the same breath I hate it because I can't even look at a plate of chips without it automatically adding 4 pounds to my already excess baggage.I know I have to keep things in perspective cause at the end of the day I will benefit for my health and vanity (you don't have to be stick thin to be vain, us larger than life ladies can be just as conceited about our looks as the next gal) but it's just the bloody process of getting there.

I know the first few weeks are the killer when you start a diet but once I've bypassed the cravings and the mental thinking "oh just have one it won't hurt..." then I know I've got it sorted. Easier said than done, never a truer phrase spoken as "no pain no gain"

Well just as I get myself in a more happier optimistic place, life comes and throws one of them curves balls that are intentionally meant for knocking moi on my arse (not my first time either I'll have you know) I stopped counting a long time ago but I'm sure it's well into the double figures by now. Just found out my step dad has 4 months left to live, if that.

Now for a girl that was once the life and soul of her general well being, always seeing the positives, looking on the brightside of life and always a supportive friend. Trying to pull myself out of this jaded frame of mind of late is proving more difficult than first thought but all is not lost. Given this recent news it's made me more determined than ever to appreciate life and what I have. All grudges or grievances I have with cetain folk are washed away, they're irrelevant now given the grand scheme of things and it's only when the loss of a family member looms does it invariably make you realise what's important in life.

Also I'm genno be more insistant of being there for my mum as she's decided to go into self-defence mode and not let anyone get too close (it's like looking in mirror) Now for years I have always protested I am nothing like my mother but given my recent behaviour; denial, self pity and pretty much avoidance of the whole situation just proves I truely am cut from the same cloth and to be honest I don't know if that is a good or bad thing.

It just feels unfair that someone can go through so much and experience so many losses you'd think nearing the end of their life they'd get somesort of a reprieve but it never works out that way eh? It's sad my mum and step dad were child hood sweethearts and only after 2 failed marriages the death of 2 sons and 2 husbands do they finally get it together only to be parted again (God it sounds like a tag line taken from a Danielle Steele Novel)

As I sit here and type a partiular song that reminds me of my Dad has come on the radio, maybe it's wishful thinking but maybe it's his way of letting me know I'm genno be fine.

I can't believe how stressful my day has been and all over a bloody outdoor aerial! Well it all started when yet again my freeview box came up with the message 'no channels located please check your antenna connection' I checked the connection and even re-tuned the freeview but to no avail could I get it working. I wasn't too worried as my kind neighbour has the knack of fixing it (this had become a frequent mishap of late) so I called upon his expertise and hey presto it's fixed again. This time instead of just fixing it he showed me how to do it, cause no doubt it would play up again.

My viewing was short lived as the familiar message popped up yet again so I tried to do what my neighbour had showed me (sound in theory a lot harder in practice) lol and as I was doing so I suddenly noticed water leaking from inside the outdoor aerial cable. Now not to be sexist but being a woman my knowledge on electricals is next to non existance but I did have the nouse to understand by no means should water be leaking from inside that aerial cable. Also more to the point how long had it been like that? I checked the freeviewbox where the aerial goes in and there was rust so it had obviously been leaking for a while, not a good sign.

I rang my landlord to tell her what was going on and thankfully she said would have an electrian round in the next couple of days. Only after I'd put the phone down did I realise I had no T.V. what the hell was I suppose to do to keep myself entertained? Now to be honest I wasn't so much bothered about me cause I have the internet to keep me amused (once the child is tucked up in bed that is) but I didn't know what I was going to do in the mornings as my son usually watches his usual dose of 'Dora The Explora' (don't ask long story lol) before I send him packing for nursery. When a friend advised me if I purchased an indoor aerial and plugged that into the back of the freeview box it would do the trick so off to Asda I went.

I got it home to find it was faulty I wasn't amused but I didn't let that stop me I went back and exchanged it. When I got home for the second time I set it all up following the instructions all on my own and I was quite pleased with myself that is, until I tried to tune the freeview box back in, it was having none of it. Picture the scene television pulled out from it's usual spot, wires everywhere and myself sitting on the floor, legs akimo, pouring over the instructions to see if I had missed anything and I hadn't.

After a further half hour I gave up and rang my friend who came round and tried to set it up but again no such luck so in the end I resorted to tuning in the terrestial channels and I have ended up with BBC Wales and S4C with a crap reception at that! It's days like these that I realise being single is crap (no boyf on hand to do the DIY around the house) but I am genno chalk this incident up to 'one of them days'.