This Place Is Inconvenient For My Name

Well just as I get myself in a more happier optimistic place, life comes and throws one of them curves balls that are intentionally meant for knocking moi on my arse (not my first time either I'll have you know) I stopped counting a long time ago but I'm sure it's well into the double figures by now. Just found out my step dad has 4 months left to live, if that.

Now for a girl that was once the life and soul of her general well being, always seeing the positives, looking on the brightside of life and always a supportive friend. Trying to pull myself out of this jaded frame of mind of late is proving more difficult than first thought but all is not lost. Given this recent news it's made me more determined than ever to appreciate life and what I have. All grudges or grievances I have with cetain folk are washed away, they're irrelevant now given the grand scheme of things and it's only when the loss of a family member looms does it invariably make you realise what's important in life.

Also I'm genno be more insistant of being there for my mum as she's decided to go into self-defence mode and not let anyone get too close (it's like looking in mirror) Now for years I have always protested I am nothing like my mother but given my recent behaviour; denial, self pity and pretty much avoidance of the whole situation just proves I truely am cut from the same cloth and to be honest I don't know if that is a good or bad thing.

It just feels unfair that someone can go through so much and experience so many losses you'd think nearing the end of their life they'd get somesort of a reprieve but it never works out that way eh? It's sad my mum and step dad were child hood sweethearts and only after 2 failed marriages the death of 2 sons and 2 husbands do they finally get it together only to be parted again (God it sounds like a tag line taken from a Danielle Steele Novel)

As I sit here and type a partiular song that reminds me of my Dad has come on the radio, maybe it's wishful thinking but maybe it's his way of letting me know I'm genno be fine.

I can't believe how stressful my day has been and all over a bloody outdoor aerial! Well it all started when yet again my freeview box came up with the message 'no channels located please check your antenna connection' I checked the connection and even re-tuned the freeview but to no avail could I get it working. I wasn't too worried as my kind neighbour has the knack of fixing it (this had become a frequent mishap of late) so I called upon his expertise and hey presto it's fixed again. This time instead of just fixing it he showed me how to do it, cause no doubt it would play up again.

My viewing was short lived as the familiar message popped up yet again so I tried to do what my neighbour had showed me (sound in theory a lot harder in practice) lol and as I was doing so I suddenly noticed water leaking from inside the outdoor aerial cable. Now not to be sexist but being a woman my knowledge on electricals is next to non existance but I did have the nouse to understand by no means should water be leaking from inside that aerial cable. Also more to the point how long had it been like that? I checked the freeviewbox where the aerial goes in and there was rust so it had obviously been leaking for a while, not a good sign.

I rang my landlord to tell her what was going on and thankfully she said would have an electrian round in the next couple of days. Only after I'd put the phone down did I realise I had no T.V. what the hell was I suppose to do to keep myself entertained? Now to be honest I wasn't so much bothered about me cause I have the internet to keep me amused (once the child is tucked up in bed that is) but I didn't know what I was going to do in the mornings as my son usually watches his usual dose of 'Dora The Explora' (don't ask long story lol) before I send him packing for nursery. When a friend advised me if I purchased an indoor aerial and plugged that into the back of the freeview box it would do the trick so off to Asda I went.

I got it home to find it was faulty I wasn't amused but I didn't let that stop me I went back and exchanged it. When I got home for the second time I set it all up following the instructions all on my own and I was quite pleased with myself that is, until I tried to tune the freeview box back in, it was having none of it. Picture the scene television pulled out from it's usual spot, wires everywhere and myself sitting on the floor, legs akimo, pouring over the instructions to see if I had missed anything and I hadn't.

After a further half hour I gave up and rang my friend who came round and tried to set it up but again no such luck so in the end I resorted to tuning in the terrestial channels and I have ended up with BBC Wales and S4C with a crap reception at that! It's days like these that I realise being single is crap (no boyf on hand to do the DIY around the house) but I am genno chalk this incident up to 'one of them days'.

My latest diatribe today is about prams and shopping, the two don't mix and who ever thought it was a motherly duty relished by the female species are seriously deluded. The novelty of taking the child out to show them off to all and sundry for the first couple of weeks is the exception of course... therein after it's all down hill.

This doesn't imply I hate taking my child out in his pram quite the opposite but it's the people I meet along the way that crack me up. I go out for a simple list of things and end up returning home with half of what I intended to get or worst case scenario (it has happened on occasion) empty handed!

Firstly I hate the way dodgy looking old people or scruffy tramps shove their tabacco stained fingers my child's mouth claiming 'what a beautiful baby'. Why oh why do they do that? Do they not realise they might be carrying a infectious disease? Okay a little dramatic but from the look of some of them you wouldn't touch them with a barge pole. I get all sorts of images racing through my mind like they've been rummaging around in people's wheelie bins. I try an avoid these types of people at all costs but somehow they manage to find me EVERYTIME.

Secondly when your in an aisle and you see someone approaching you from the other end, I always move the pram out the way to let them past but for some god unknown reason said person has moved the same way and expects you to move again and look at you as if your the problem. Trivial as this may sound it is the most annoying thing on the planet and you don't even realise your head has suddenly taken on a look of a demented goblin and it's at this point I leave the shop seething and bearing no wares.

Do you ever get one of those days where you hear a song and for the life of you can't name it's title or Artist? Well I had one of them days yesterday. I had been humming a tune all day (as I didn't know the words) yet by the time I got home it was forgotten about (figures) that is until I was watching my ususal dose of 'Scrubs' when the song playing in the background had caught my attention. I listened for a while and recognised it was the tune I'd been humming but couldn't place it.

Now I don't know if any of you fine people out there do this but if I can't figure out the artist or title I can't think about anything else until I do. It's an impossibilty, it's drives me insane. I suppose I could cheat and check on the internet but that takes away the fun and the pleasure of when you finally do remember.

After half an hour I pushed it to the back of my mind as I had to go and pick the 'child' up from nursery (an yes I remembered this time ha bloody ha) I grabbed my Ipod Shuffle and off I went. Listening to my music walking down the street minding my own business as you do, this bloody song suddenly vibrated in my ears, it was on my Ipod! The thing is with The Ipod Shuffle's you can't scroll down to see what song it is so it again had me stratching my head but alas to no avail. The only line that I could remember was "when the stars turn blue" and I made a mental note to myself that I would have to check the web cause at this point it was really annoying me. No such luck! My internet connection had decided to play up, sod's law I'm telling you!

Now if I had the common sense most folk had, then I would've had the nouse to think on that I didn't need the internet to check my Ipod play list. It just automatically comes up when I plug it into the USB Port, this little gem of an idea didn't register until I realised it needed charging. There I was 7am this morning playing through the first 10 seconds of each song to name the annoying song I had been humming the previous day and finally 3rd to last song (I have 278 songs on my Ipod Shuffle in total) it make's it's self known as wait for it ... "When the stars turn Blue" (yeah I think I got that) by Ryan Adams."

I couldn't believe it, this Guy is amazing and I have the vast majority of his albums and I didn't realise this was one of his songs (shame on me) so with that I suddenly felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders because as silly as this sounds not being able to name a song or artist is a pet peeve of mine. It's like I get posessed or something until I find my answer, sad state of affairs really but hey such is life.

As I type I can’t help but chuckle to myself because what I’m about to share with your guys is a typical ‘Rachel’ fiasco moment (there will be a lot of these rest assured so watch out) Thinking about it now, it was one of those moments that at the time was scary but on reflection I can’t help but laugh.

I had a Dentist appointment booked for some root canal work that could no longer be put off and like the majority of people I know, I hated going. Petrified isn’t the word so the Dentist’s plan of action was to sedate me. It seemed like the best solution (well it was the only option otherwise my membership for the gummy bear club would be activated a lot sooner). I don’t know what I expected re the sedation process I thought maybe they’d give me a pill or something but oh no it was a needle in the arm (which surprisingly enough didn’t hurt) then 10 seconds later the rest passed me by in a very comfortable haze.

For obvious reasons I took a friend with me who afterwards brought me home and put me on the couch to sleep said sedative off. I vaguely recollect her telling me to put my alarm on as I had to go and pick my son up from nursery (you can see where this is going can’t you?) lol

I fell asleep just after 2pm and I wasn’t due to pick the ‘child’ up from nursery at the very latest 6pm (that’s their closing time) Now when I woke from my slumber I was very light headed and it took all my strength to compose myself and get myself up off the couch. I headed for the kitchen for a drink as I was somewhat parched. While I’m pottering around I suddenly look to see what time it is, my clock say’s 6.15 pm and I’m thinking ‘something’s not right, something’s missing, FUCK!!!!’ It’s only at this point did the penny drop and I realised I hadn’t picked my son up from nursery!

I was still under the influence of the sedative and could just about get myself together to knock at my neighbours and use their phone to contact the nursery. I needn’t have worried (even though I was passed worried and into irrational) they had already contacted his Grandparents to pick him up.

Okay in retrospect this is friggin hilarious and will make a great bedtime story for the kid when he's older one day but you know when you can't quite see that silver lining?

Note to self: next time at the dentist arrange for someone to pick the 'child' up.

There I was minding my own business walking my son to nursery this morning and out of nowhere I had the warmest feeling of contentment wash over me.

Where it came from I'm not exactly sure (given my recent frame of mind) but I had a sneaky suspicion it was something to do with the smell of autumn lingering 'in the air' and the dark mornings that have suddenly thrust themselves upon us. I love this time of year because it's the lead up to the hustle and bustle of Halloween, Bonfire Night and the Piste De Resistance of them all: The christmas Holiday's.

So while I was languishing in this rare feeling of well being I dropped my son off and headed for the bus stop ready to go to work.

Now recently I have befriended a girl while waiting for said bus and we were chatting about how our respective weekends had gone when she says to me " I feel a little faint can you sit next to me?" I said "no problem". The bus arrives, we get on, as I turn around this girl had started to shake so I grabbed hold of her and guided her to the nearest available seat but she collasped before I could get her to one.

Now what astounded me was the lack of support from other passengers on the bus and sheeer ignorance of what had just happened. How the hell on earth in a confined space such as a bus can you turn a blind eye to a girl fainting and not offer to help is beyond me!! I managed to pick this girl up, get her seated and calm her down.

She only worked 15 minutes away from my building so I got off at her stop and walked her to work and then got on my merry way to my own 9-5 job. I hope she's alright it's not nice fainting let alone in public on the bus!

Currently at this moment in time I'm feeling somewhat sorry for myself because yet again I've gone and injured myself. I am a walking advertisement for accidents waiting to happen let me assure you and on top of that I'm I'm dying of a chest infection. This normally wouldn't bother me so much but I resemble an old age pensioner taking their last breath it's ridiculous and highly embarrasing as I came to realise yesterday.

I was in my local Wetherspoons with friends and trying to order my meal and I was beyond help after every word spoken was promptly followed by a cough and splutter for a couple mins each time. I'm convinced the bar staff were giving me evils behind my back as if to say 'you have an infectious disease please go away like now' least to say I didn't enjoy the meal and left rather sharpish.

I know what you're thinking if your that ill why go out? I'll tell you because for the past week I've been stuck in the house with my son (that's not a bad thing by any shot) as he has has a serious dose of the chicken pox so I've had to avoid all my friends untill my son is no longer contagious. As a few of them are pregnant or haven't had it themselves as a kid so yesterday was the first day I could go out and I did because I was starting to get a little stir crazy.

So puts the child to bed only to be woken up at the ungodly hour of 3am (his eating has been non existant since he's had the pox so I've had to demand bottle feed when his lordship calls) I'm still half asleep while I'm bringing the hot jug of water into my son when I suddenly wobble causing the boiling water to spill over onto my chest and sear the top layer of skin off. Luckily it's only supeficial but whether it will scar or not they don't know yet.

I am so accident prone it's unreal here's a run down of some other things:

I've burnt my arm on the iron trying to iron my hair (hair straighteners were unheard of then),
while wearing flip flops I gashed my foot on a iron grid outside of a petrol station,
broke my foot an fractured my toes when the baby gate fell on it (my mother made me walk on it for 2 days before finally relenting and taking me to hospital)
shattered my little finger bone playing basketball,
fell down the stairs and sprained my ankle,
I'm constantly bumping into things and brusing so easily,
I fell into a corner of a table and cut my head needing stitches,
I have skipped into a chippy door consequently knocking me out and giving me an egg on my head.
I once went out the back door but still had hold of the door frame whilst talking to my brother in the garden unawares to my mother who not looking at what she was doing closed the door on my fingers. There are countless more which I can't remember but if any of my friends can by all means, share the humour!

Yes go on chuckle at my misfortune because if I was reading this blog I bloody would lol.

I was looking through some old photo's of my mum and dad today. I don't know what propelled me I just felt the need to escape back to a happier time. Everything going on with my mum lately has made me nostaglic and the fact I am really ill today and my mum isnt here (on account of her chemo treatment) to make me feel better is upsetting because normally she's there, with a Beecham's in one hand and a water bottle in the other and I came to the realisation soon enough she won't be here at all.

Its the little things you take for granted and don't give much prevelance to that invariably you will miss the most about a loved one I should know, I'm the Obi Wan of bereavement. The thing is even though I'm a grown woman of 25 years of age with a child of my own hasn't made that bond with my own mum lessen any. As the little child inside me still cries out for the security of her loving embrace and that undeniable assurance that everything will be okay.

I was on the phone with her the other day and you know what she said to me? "I'm not scared of dying, I'm sacred of leaving you and your brother behind" choking back the tears was an understatement, my emotions inevitably got the better of me and I burst into tears and with that I hastly put the phone down as didn't want mum getting upset, she's got enough to deal with let alone a whinging daughter.

Later on I replayed that conversation in my head over and over and I came to realise, if that were me in that situation 20 yrs down the line with my son I'd be devastated. I've been so pre-occupied with how I'm feeling and how this is effecting me. I didn't stop to think about how my poor mother is handling this and what she is going through. I can't begin to imagine how she is trying to make sense of it all let alone make peace with herself over leaving her kids.

An with that I've decided that instead of falling to pieces around mum cause that is what I feel like doing (Since I had my son I've turned into emotional wreck - yet no one for warns you of this little gem), I'm genno snap out of this pessimistic thinking (well I like to call it realistic giving the fact the mortality rate of my immediate family is pretty crap but there you go) So it's time to get my shit together and just be there for her as best I can because who know's how long she has left. Saying that, she might surprise us all and I'm praying for the latter.

I really don't know where to start with my latest blog because how do you talk about the impending death of your mother, your kin your maker? I want to purge my fears and concerns but for some reason they're not coming forth with. Maybe if I keep on rambling they'll magically appear and I'll feel better.

Here goes.. my mum has cancer and the prognosis isn't good the one person who means the world to me (dispite our regular world war 3 arguments)is dying and I'm fucking gutted. For a long time we haven't had that bond as mother and daughter should but that doesn't mean I don't love her any less(well that's debatable but beside the point)the reality of losing her is killing me. You'd think having 'time served in the bearevment game' I'd be used to the high drama of it all but far from it let me assure you.

As I type I feel sick to my stomach and it's been resident from the moment I was told she was ill, I feel on edge not knowing what's gong to happen next. Well I do she's genno die just like everyone knew the Titanic was going to sink but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow. My mum's had a hard fucking life and I just think what a bitch, doesn't she get a break? No such luck.

I'm convinced 'him' upstairs has got it in for me and I haven't a clue why. I stopped believing in God after I lost my dad and brother because I came to the realisation if God made man in his image then what does that say about God? How can a deity such as himself justify war, famine, peadophiles, murder etc I'm sick of people telling me "he has a plan for us all" bollocks everyone is born then they die it's the circle of life. If some people feel the need to blame a higher being is at work then let them I'm not knocking their beliefs it just ain't for me, especially experiencing the level of tradegy I have in my life.

The thing is, to everyone around me I'm holding it together, a pillar of strength you could say. Well behind the smile, the faced I'm just scared little girl terrified of losing her mum.

How annoying are people when they presume they know best and tell you how to raise your child?

I never realised how irritating this was til last week, don't get me wrong am all for advice if and when it's needed, being a first time mum and on my own but there comes a point when it's like "back the fuck off."

The problem with this though is they think they know it all, already having a child of there own which to a certain degree does make sense but not when your trying to feed you child or wake them up from a nap is it appreciated when they scold your parenting skills (might I add that are still new and adapting) in front of other people.Thus leaving me red faced and embarrassed and flustering for a response in explanation of my actions which I shouldn't have to do, I'm answerable to no one so what gives them the right to assume that they know everything and I know nothing.

The funniest thing is you listen to your health visitor/midwife thinking your doing the 'right thing' and according to the 'know it all parents' they're wrong and they don't know what they're talking about. Maybe not but that doesn't give them the right to make me feel like I'm stupid for taking a professional's advice over theirs.

The thing is I was petrified when I found out I was pregnant about what I was suppose to do when the baby was here but when he arrived it truely was second nature. Yet where I feel I have accomplished so much on my own, that seems irrelevant to these people.

I was under the impression friends were suppose to be supportive not fight my every decision where rearing my child is concerned and yes you do look to your friends who already have children for guidance but that doesn't mean they can dictate your every move, does it?

All this angst and worry I've been through with my friends over the last few months is finally drawing to a close all skeletons have fallen from their closet bar a few but that remains to be seen.

I think everyone had the notion that if any of this shit got out that would be it and no one would speak to each other again therefore we daren't upset the balance of the group (not that it was much of one to begin with mind) but now that all affairs and dalliances have been exposed there seems to be a calm descending but what's that saying again 'It's the calm before the storm' sounds about right really for this lot.

The thing is nothing really has changed, said couple who this drama is centred around are still together, all friends who were involved with which ever cheating partner are still on speaking terms bar one and its as if it never happended. It's fucking weird.

Well what is to become of them all I'll never know but for now I kind of feel sorry for the ones (attached or not)that drift from lover to lover hoping to fulfil the void that has been resident for some time in that big beating heart of theirs. No matter how many lovers they aquire it never seems to satisfy that insatiable appetite they have for something more, something pure that you simply dont get from a one night stand.

Maybe one day they'll realise what they wanted all along was what they were frightned of the most but a word to the wise my friends what we fear the most ultimately is the most liberating feeling once we face them head on.

In the words of the infamous Oscar Wilde "Those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love; it is the faithless who know love's tragedies"

Ding, ding round one. Yes you've guessed it, the shit has well and truly hit the fan and for the first time in a long time I don't give a rat's arse.

This is the most pathetic excuse for a group of friends I've ever known. Yet I have caused this recent fiasco (inadvertently might I add) I stupidly and genuinely said something to a friend off the cuff about another friend's antics (thinking nothing of it, as you do) and well the rest is well history.

I have a tendency to put my mouth into gear before my brain is engaged but I can honestly say it was a genuine mistake but it's only served as a catalyst in creating an argument out of nothing, by highlighting the cracks in an already dying friendship.

The very thing I'm being accused of 'gossiping' is laughable I'm not the first and I can unequivocally say I won't be the last. Normally when things like this happen I worry myself sick about what will happen but this time is like 'whatever' I said what I said, I can't take it back so what do you want me to do? I am the guilty party but if it wasn't me who opened my mouth it would have been someone else, I just happened to get there first.

I think I'm slowly starting to understand the proverb 'patience is a virtue' what a pity I didn't get it sooner…

Today I am annoyed and not just on a whim kind of annoyed but that slow burning takes it's time to kindle kind of annoyed and I can't believe it's taken me this long to realise why I am annoyed.

I am coming to the conclusion that friendships aren't what they once were, survival of the fittest, kill or be killed it seems. Since when did friendships become such bloody hard work? don't get me wrong, disagreements are inevitable but when did it become part of the pro-quo that lying, cheating and damn right sneakiness was a must, that's not what I signed up for!

Especially when you're on the receiving end of their tongue lashing because they're feeling guilty about a recent indiscretion that was ultimately a stupid move in the first place. I could retaliate and cause amok between the pigeons but what's the point? I'd just be sinking to their level and ultimately gaining nothing in the process bar losing a few friends and therein lies the problem.

We're all so paralysed by our own fear of abandonment from the group that we a willing to sacrifice a little dignity and self respect in exchange for what? False friendships based on lies, deceit and secrets we have on each other. No thanks I think I'd like to keep my sanity so with that bring on tomorrow....

I had an epiphany in work while in the canteen today, I have decided men (particually the bad boys) are like chocolate, delightfully sinful.

I'm being serious, when a woman is on a diet chocolate is a no go area because its her kryptonite ( until she finally cracks and reaches for the hidden bar of Dairy Milk in the back of the cupboard, followed by that ever faithful bottle of wine) the same goes for a bad boy.

Women like to act all coy and pledge they want the 'faithful partner' but that's bollocks, we all on some bizarre level want men to cheat, be elusive and be mean to us (within reason of course) cause otherwise life would be just fucking boring. Who wants a man that is sensitive towards your feeling, does all you ask of him and basically looks like he couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag? Not me, I'm telling you Rock Stars have it made. Sex, drugs and rock'n'roll equals millions of girls (some not even out of their first training bra's) on mass for the taking, why? BECAUSE THEY CAN.

Take Pete Doherty and Kate Moss for example classic case of bad boy syndrome, he's a coke head, rock star of some description (not exactly up there with the likes of Mick Jagger and Axel Rose now is he?) and a cheating bastard. Yet she still goes crawling back to what she knows and craves (like a double chocolate gateau) we all go through the palaver of chastising ourselves for wanting it but automatically our bodies go into overdrive craving the very thing we know we shouldn't have.

We know men come with a warning sign (just like calories on a wrapper) but we still think 'oh a little nibble won't hurt' or will it? So my lesson for today is if your gonna fall off the band wagon don't do it half arse, do it with heart, balls and swagger

I've been doing a bit of soul searching of late, philosophically minded you might say. Questioning my beliefs and what the hell my purpose in life is but that's just it… Why am I here?

I think in every gal's life she has her self -doubting phase and mine is making itself known right about now. I never gave the whole circle of life much though to be honest, far too wrapped up in my current drama of the week to even consider a higher being is at work, a guiding force in my fate if you will.

The thing is from the day we are born it is drummed into us to go to school and get good grades, find a good job, find a lover marry them and have many children but what happens when you've achieved all this? Having done my bit for procreation and having the lovely home and stable job so early on in life I am coming to the conclusion I am experiencing some sort of midlife crisis. A little melodramatic I hear you say, maybe but not unheard of. Gone are the days of listening to a Take That album and finding the answers to life's questions in there (I was 12 what can I say?)

Now I'm 25 I realise that maybe we don't have purpose and this is it, THIS IS IT. The thing is I've never really believed in god. In fact, I've spent a lot of time and energy trying to disprove that god exists but ironically I hope that my child is able to believe in god, because the thing that I've come to realize, is that it just doesn't matter if god exists or not. The important thing is for him to believe in something, because I truly believe that, that belief will keep him warm at night.

I was thinking about this last night about how beneficial really are friends when it comes to the 'sex' with no strings attached?

The thing is sex is never casual no matter how it occurs but what if the terms were agreed before hand like a pre getting busy agreement? I'm thinking out loud here but the concept of two horny people coming together for some gleefully nasty cotius and parting as friends is by no means a bad thing, no guilt, no shame, no head games and no mixed cd's.

I think this whole idea initially stems from two friends being lonely and a handy bottle of vodka but its no excuse for anyone throwing themselves at the first warm available body now does it? I understand the impulse to put your hand out and have someone at the end of your reach, to want someone to be close to, want to kiss or touch, even if it is wrong.

Talking from a recent indiscretion I found myself in, I made the enlightened decision not to keep my body to myself but what do I have to show for it? Nothing. Maybe it's appealing to some folk to use one another as scratching posts but I'm now realising, that instant gratification you get from a one night stand over a fulfilling relationship, it just ain't enough

Finally peace and harmony has been restored to this group of reprobates I like to call my friends for now anyways and all it took was a little honesty.

I'd like to say that's what it was but lets get real here for a minute, it was more like they couldn't deal with their shit so to absolve them from their sinful crimes, they tell the person in question who they've wronged (in a vain attempt to make themselves feel better) Self-serving really, if you think about it because how does the poor victim (maybe in this case not such much of the innocent but that's a different story) benefit from being told of their friends deviant ways? And when they try to make light of it (because how else do they react) the traitor in question has the audacity to act hurt and wounded!

I must admit I'm pleased to a certain extent things are starting to unfold and kudos to the 'devil woman' for 'strapping on a pair' and stepping up to the plate (at least I now know one of my wayward friends have a soul)

Yet while I sit here and type I can't help feeling a little anxious but saying that I'm still kinda partial to the 'ignorance is bliss' theory, where we all live happily ever after(yeah like that would ever happen) but if any of this sounds familiar then take heed, keep your fingers out of the cookie jar or you'll get the lid slammed shut on em!

You've been warned

Well the shit has finally come full circle, all scecrets and lies once hidden are all now public knowledge and to the embarrasment of a good friend of mine.

What once was a pot waiting to boil over has now well and truely spilled all over the place but to be honest it was anticlimax to a highly strung couple of months. People watching there p's and q's for fear of upsetting the groups twisted dynamic of backstabbing, lying and cheating. Now that he know's of his girlfriend's extra cirricular activities he still chooses to be with her, I mean if it were me in that situation I wouldn't stay in the relationship a minute longer yet saying that if I loved the guy I just dont know if I could make that judgement.

So kudos to him for being a man and standing up and staying with her cause a lot of men wouldn't but there are concerns I believe he is handling this a little too well which makes me wonder if he hasn't got a game plan or revenge plot because all males are primative when it comes to adultry especially when the misses cheats because the big green monster rears its ugly head, said male goes into defence mode like two lions scrapping to be the top dog and to win the gurl of course.

Not is all as it seems definately will have to watch this space...

It's official I'm turning into my mother (shock horror) but what more can you expect from a pig than a grunt.

It's quite embarrassing really because everything I loathe in my mother is now taking a hold of me, I caught myself reciting one of my mothers well known rants about the youth of today, verse and chapter the other day and I couldn't believe it. It's a touchy subject with all women I think (whether they admit it or not) nobody wants to be like their parents but what I've come to realise is that I like moaning and if that means I'm following in the ole brushes footsteps then so be it.

I don't like it when the people over the road play loud music into the early hours of the morning, I don't like the way old people think they have a god given right to be first in line for everything, I hate the fact when waiting to pay for something in a shop there's only one girl on the till while the rest of them are standing around talking and gossiping about what so and so did at the weekend (hello, open another till!) I could go on but you get my drift but I do wonder at what age do you become your parents?

It's a scary notion to think you'll turn into your mother one day for any girl but what I've learnt is when you come to see your parents as human beings with their own problems, it is oddly, kind of liberating. When you realize… they're way more messed up than you are. It's not worth your time or energy to go on despising them for it.

Well… slowly but surely the group is disintegrating into pieces, killed off by it's own secrets and lies.

I knew this would happen and it's not even a case of I told you so, it's a bit sad really cause take all that away and you have a crazy bunch of friendly people that meshed well together (nothing to do with the copious amounts of alcohol or drugs consumed, no…) I mean, is this what its like for every group of friends? I would like to think we're not the only ones but if we're really all this fucked up then god help the next generation.

I am feeling somewhat positive about the changes that will follow these past tumultuous weeks, even though things still aren't what they seem and I have to be careful about what I say and whom I say it to.

I do believe it will sort its self out, these things always do (it might not seem like it at the time) and if I can part any words of wisdom upon them it would be this 'GET A GRIP' and a little quote a friend of mine passed on which I found highly amusing brightening my day no end 'keep regular'…

Not that I'm a person that moans a lot (who am I kidding) but I'm sick of certain friends at the moment, it might sound harsh but it's true.

All they ever do is bitch and fight between each other, sleep with each other (even if attached - more so the better it seems) and gossip like it's going of fashion and the more testosterone they have the worse they are.

I'm no wilting flower here and innocent by no means but I think time hasn't half showed me their true colours which leaves me with the question: how can I be friends with this bunch of maladjusted people? The crux of it is, for all their idiosyncrasies, they are my mates. A couple of them I couldn't be without they've have carried me through some trying times and words can't describe the gratitude I have for them (they know who they are, cheers kids!)

Yet lately I have been the top of the gossip column for some time now (not that I'm adverse to being centre of attention - who isn't?) but it's just plain annoying that they can't find anything else better the talk about (I mean, not even the latest Corrie plot has them distracted) so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that a new story will roll on in to town...

To be honest this isn't where I want to have my personal life played out in front of me but I really need to purge. Currently my brother and I are not speaking because he believes his recent actions were right and they weren't, they were wrong, so very wrong, on so many levels.

I'm not over reacting here (the people who know him will understand were I'm coming from) his irrational behaviour causes murder for me and he doesn't see it. I try and do the grown-up thing by having a civil discussion or ten but it falls on deaf ears and I feel like my head is stuck in-between a rock and a hard place.

Is it a sibling thing that over time you come to resent them? That you wished that you'd never known them in the first place? (or at least your mum and dad should have abstained from sex thus never putting you in this position in the first place) It's funny because so many people have commented "how the hell are you's two related?" but it's true we are bore from the same apple tree, I just think he fall far, far away, down into a ditch.

I really can't reason with him as he see's me as being an ungrateful cow (maybe I am) but in the long run he is laying the ground for awkward chance meeting's that I just don't need. I could sit here and try to justify his behaviour because we have had several family tragedies but you don't see moi acting like an arsehole of the grandest kind!

I'm not heartless and I understand people handle things differently but I think he was born a twat but that's a different story.....

Bored to buggery I am, with life, work even the child has lost his lustre in the grand scheme of things and to sum it up this little antidote says it all "Perfection obtained is a discomforting state."

Why is it we work to obtain the unobtainable but if by some miracle we are lucky enough to experience are wildest dreams and aspirations we immediately go into self-destruct mode? I mean it's like I'm not happy unless I'm worried or stressing over something, how mad is that?

After the dust has settled from a tumultuous 14 years of death, heartache, depression (you get the picture) My life recently has been on the up if you like and I'm at a loss at what do. What now? Where do I go from here?

I have sweet baby boy of 6 months (may I add the best decision of my life) working full time and have a lovely home. Yet I feel like it's not enough and because of this I find myself getting into mischief which in itself, is harmless enough but I wish I could just be normal without all the drama... but then define normal

Well as I sit here and type my latest entry I am still smarting over a conversation I had the other night with a new love interest. I say interest as nothing has happened as yet and therein lays the problem.

It's not that I don't want things to progress but the situation is complicated to say the least, I'm single, he's attached. (catch my drift?) Things got heated and then they didn't in part because I didn't want to (who am I kidding?) and knew it was playing with fire but isn't that the attraction in the first place, having what isn't yours?

Which led to this conversation, " if what you say about your past is true, then why are the knob heads you've been involved with get the benefit of your sex drive, while I someone who genuinely likes you get the cold shoulder?" WOW kudos to you mate, I think that's the nicest way anyone has called me a slut!