I was looking through some old photo's of my mum and dad today. I don't know what propelled me I just felt the need to escape back to a happier time. Everything going on with my mum lately has made me nostaglic and the fact I am really ill today and my mum isnt here (on account of her chemo treatment) to make me feel better is upsetting because normally she's there, with a Beecham's in one hand and a water bottle in the other and I came to the realisation soon enough she won't be here at all.

Its the little things you take for granted and don't give much prevelance to that invariably you will miss the most about a loved one I should know, I'm the Obi Wan of bereavement. The thing is even though I'm a grown woman of 25 years of age with a child of my own hasn't made that bond with my own mum lessen any. As the little child inside me still cries out for the security of her loving embrace and that undeniable assurance that everything will be okay.

I was on the phone with her the other day and you know what she said to me? "I'm not scared of dying, I'm sacred of leaving you and your brother behind" choking back the tears was an understatement, my emotions inevitably got the better of me and I burst into tears and with that I hastly put the phone down as didn't want mum getting upset, she's got enough to deal with let alone a whinging daughter.

Later on I replayed that conversation in my head over and over and I came to realise, if that were me in that situation 20 yrs down the line with my son I'd be devastated. I've been so pre-occupied with how I'm feeling and how this is effecting me. I didn't stop to think about how my poor mother is handling this and what she is going through. I can't begin to imagine how she is trying to make sense of it all let alone make peace with herself over leaving her kids.

An with that I've decided that instead of falling to pieces around mum cause that is what I feel like doing (Since I had my son I've turned into emotional wreck - yet no one for warns you of this little gem), I'm genno snap out of this pessimistic thinking (well I like to call it realistic giving the fact the mortality rate of my immediate family is pretty crap but there you go) So it's time to get my shit together and just be there for her as best I can because who know's how long she has left. Saying that, she might surprise us all and I'm praying for the latter.