This Place Is Inconvenient For My Name

I really don't know where to start with my latest blog because how do you talk about the impending death of your mother, your kin your maker? I want to purge my fears and concerns but for some reason they're not coming forth with. Maybe if I keep on rambling they'll magically appear and I'll feel better.

Here goes.. my mum has cancer and the prognosis isn't good the one person who means the world to me (dispite our regular world war 3 arguments)is dying and I'm fucking gutted. For a long time we haven't had that bond as mother and daughter should but that doesn't mean I don't love her any less(well that's debatable but beside the point)the reality of losing her is killing me. You'd think having 'time served in the bearevment game' I'd be used to the high drama of it all but far from it let me assure you.

As I type I feel sick to my stomach and it's been resident from the moment I was told she was ill, I feel on edge not knowing what's gong to happen next. Well I do she's genno die just like everyone knew the Titanic was going to sink but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow. My mum's had a hard fucking life and I just think what a bitch, doesn't she get a break? No such luck.

I'm convinced 'him' upstairs has got it in for me and I haven't a clue why. I stopped believing in God after I lost my dad and brother because I came to the realisation if God made man in his image then what does that say about God? How can a deity such as himself justify war, famine, peadophiles, murder etc I'm sick of people telling me "he has a plan for us all" bollocks everyone is born then they die it's the circle of life. If some people feel the need to blame a higher being is at work then let them I'm not knocking their beliefs it just ain't for me, especially experiencing the level of tradegy I have in my life.

The thing is, to everyone around me I'm holding it together, a pillar of strength you could say. Well behind the smile, the faced I'm just scared little girl terrified of losing her mum.

How annoying are people when they presume they know best and tell you how to raise your child?

I never realised how irritating this was til last week, don't get me wrong am all for advice if and when it's needed, being a first time mum and on my own but there comes a point when it's like "back the fuck off."

The problem with this though is they think they know it all, already having a child of there own which to a certain degree does make sense but not when your trying to feed you child or wake them up from a nap is it appreciated when they scold your parenting skills (might I add that are still new and adapting) in front of other people.Thus leaving me red faced and embarrassed and flustering for a response in explanation of my actions which I shouldn't have to do, I'm answerable to no one so what gives them the right to assume that they know everything and I know nothing.

The funniest thing is you listen to your health visitor/midwife thinking your doing the 'right thing' and according to the 'know it all parents' they're wrong and they don't know what they're talking about. Maybe not but that doesn't give them the right to make me feel like I'm stupid for taking a professional's advice over theirs.

The thing is I was petrified when I found out I was pregnant about what I was suppose to do when the baby was here but when he arrived it truely was second nature. Yet where I feel I have accomplished so much on my own, that seems irrelevant to these people.

I was under the impression friends were suppose to be supportive not fight my every decision where rearing my child is concerned and yes you do look to your friends who already have children for guidance but that doesn't mean they can dictate your every move, does it?

All this angst and worry I've been through with my friends over the last few months is finally drawing to a close all skeletons have fallen from their closet bar a few but that remains to be seen.

I think everyone had the notion that if any of this shit got out that would be it and no one would speak to each other again therefore we daren't upset the balance of the group (not that it was much of one to begin with mind) but now that all affairs and dalliances have been exposed there seems to be a calm descending but what's that saying again 'It's the calm before the storm' sounds about right really for this lot.

The thing is nothing really has changed, said couple who this drama is centred around are still together, all friends who were involved with which ever cheating partner are still on speaking terms bar one and its as if it never happended. It's fucking weird.

Well what is to become of them all I'll never know but for now I kind of feel sorry for the ones (attached or not)that drift from lover to lover hoping to fulfil the void that has been resident for some time in that big beating heart of theirs. No matter how many lovers they aquire it never seems to satisfy that insatiable appetite they have for something more, something pure that you simply dont get from a one night stand.

Maybe one day they'll realise what they wanted all along was what they were frightned of the most but a word to the wise my friends what we fear the most ultimately is the most liberating feeling once we face them head on.

In the words of the infamous Oscar Wilde "Those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love; it is the faithless who know love's tragedies"

Ding, ding round one. Yes you've guessed it, the shit has well and truly hit the fan and for the first time in a long time I don't give a rat's arse.

This is the most pathetic excuse for a group of friends I've ever known. Yet I have caused this recent fiasco (inadvertently might I add) I stupidly and genuinely said something to a friend off the cuff about another friend's antics (thinking nothing of it, as you do) and well the rest is well history.

I have a tendency to put my mouth into gear before my brain is engaged but I can honestly say it was a genuine mistake but it's only served as a catalyst in creating an argument out of nothing, by highlighting the cracks in an already dying friendship.

The very thing I'm being accused of 'gossiping' is laughable I'm not the first and I can unequivocally say I won't be the last. Normally when things like this happen I worry myself sick about what will happen but this time is like 'whatever' I said what I said, I can't take it back so what do you want me to do? I am the guilty party but if it wasn't me who opened my mouth it would have been someone else, I just happened to get there first.

I think I'm slowly starting to understand the proverb 'patience is a virtue' what a pity I didn't get it sooner…

Today I am annoyed and not just on a whim kind of annoyed but that slow burning takes it's time to kindle kind of annoyed and I can't believe it's taken me this long to realise why I am annoyed.

I am coming to the conclusion that friendships aren't what they once were, survival of the fittest, kill or be killed it seems. Since when did friendships become such bloody hard work? don't get me wrong, disagreements are inevitable but when did it become part of the pro-quo that lying, cheating and damn right sneakiness was a must, that's not what I signed up for!

Especially when you're on the receiving end of their tongue lashing because they're feeling guilty about a recent indiscretion that was ultimately a stupid move in the first place. I could retaliate and cause amok between the pigeons but what's the point? I'd just be sinking to their level and ultimately gaining nothing in the process bar losing a few friends and therein lies the problem.

We're all so paralysed by our own fear of abandonment from the group that we a willing to sacrifice a little dignity and self respect in exchange for what? False friendships based on lies, deceit and secrets we have on each other. No thanks I think I'd like to keep my sanity so with that bring on tomorrow....

I had an epiphany in work while in the canteen today, I have decided men (particually the bad boys) are like chocolate, delightfully sinful.

I'm being serious, when a woman is on a diet chocolate is a no go area because its her kryptonite ( until she finally cracks and reaches for the hidden bar of Dairy Milk in the back of the cupboard, followed by that ever faithful bottle of wine) the same goes for a bad boy.

Women like to act all coy and pledge they want the 'faithful partner' but that's bollocks, we all on some bizarre level want men to cheat, be elusive and be mean to us (within reason of course) cause otherwise life would be just fucking boring. Who wants a man that is sensitive towards your feeling, does all you ask of him and basically looks like he couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag? Not me, I'm telling you Rock Stars have it made. Sex, drugs and rock'n'roll equals millions of girls (some not even out of their first training bra's) on mass for the taking, why? BECAUSE THEY CAN.

Take Pete Doherty and Kate Moss for example classic case of bad boy syndrome, he's a coke head, rock star of some description (not exactly up there with the likes of Mick Jagger and Axel Rose now is he?) and a cheating bastard. Yet she still goes crawling back to what she knows and craves (like a double chocolate gateau) we all go through the palaver of chastising ourselves for wanting it but automatically our bodies go into overdrive craving the very thing we know we shouldn't have.

We know men come with a warning sign (just like calories on a wrapper) but we still think 'oh a little nibble won't hurt' or will it? So my lesson for today is if your gonna fall off the band wagon don't do it half arse, do it with heart, balls and swagger

I've been doing a bit of soul searching of late, philosophically minded you might say. Questioning my beliefs and what the hell my purpose in life is but that's just it… Why am I here?

I think in every gal's life she has her self -doubting phase and mine is making itself known right about now. I never gave the whole circle of life much though to be honest, far too wrapped up in my current drama of the week to even consider a higher being is at work, a guiding force in my fate if you will.

The thing is from the day we are born it is drummed into us to go to school and get good grades, find a good job, find a lover marry them and have many children but what happens when you've achieved all this? Having done my bit for procreation and having the lovely home and stable job so early on in life I am coming to the conclusion I am experiencing some sort of midlife crisis. A little melodramatic I hear you say, maybe but not unheard of. Gone are the days of listening to a Take That album and finding the answers to life's questions in there (I was 12 what can I say?)

Now I'm 25 I realise that maybe we don't have purpose and this is it, THIS IS IT. The thing is I've never really believed in god. In fact, I've spent a lot of time and energy trying to disprove that god exists but ironically I hope that my child is able to believe in god, because the thing that I've come to realize, is that it just doesn't matter if god exists or not. The important thing is for him to believe in something, because I truly believe that, that belief will keep him warm at night.

I was thinking about this last night about how beneficial really are friends when it comes to the 'sex' with no strings attached?

The thing is sex is never casual no matter how it occurs but what if the terms were agreed before hand like a pre getting busy agreement? I'm thinking out loud here but the concept of two horny people coming together for some gleefully nasty cotius and parting as friends is by no means a bad thing, no guilt, no shame, no head games and no mixed cd's.

I think this whole idea initially stems from two friends being lonely and a handy bottle of vodka but its no excuse for anyone throwing themselves at the first warm available body now does it? I understand the impulse to put your hand out and have someone at the end of your reach, to want someone to be close to, want to kiss or touch, even if it is wrong.

Talking from a recent indiscretion I found myself in, I made the enlightened decision not to keep my body to myself but what do I have to show for it? Nothing. Maybe it's appealing to some folk to use one another as scratching posts but I'm now realising, that instant gratification you get from a one night stand over a fulfilling relationship, it just ain't enough

Finally peace and harmony has been restored to this group of reprobates I like to call my friends for now anyways and all it took was a little honesty.

I'd like to say that's what it was but lets get real here for a minute, it was more like they couldn't deal with their shit so to absolve them from their sinful crimes, they tell the person in question who they've wronged (in a vain attempt to make themselves feel better) Self-serving really, if you think about it because how does the poor victim (maybe in this case not such much of the innocent but that's a different story) benefit from being told of their friends deviant ways? And when they try to make light of it (because how else do they react) the traitor in question has the audacity to act hurt and wounded!

I must admit I'm pleased to a certain extent things are starting to unfold and kudos to the 'devil woman' for 'strapping on a pair' and stepping up to the plate (at least I now know one of my wayward friends have a soul)

Yet while I sit here and type I can't help feeling a little anxious but saying that I'm still kinda partial to the 'ignorance is bliss' theory, where we all live happily ever after(yeah like that would ever happen) but if any of this sounds familiar then take heed, keep your fingers out of the cookie jar or you'll get the lid slammed shut on em!

You've been warned

Well the shit has finally come full circle, all scecrets and lies once hidden are all now public knowledge and to the embarrasment of a good friend of mine.

What once was a pot waiting to boil over has now well and truely spilled all over the place but to be honest it was anticlimax to a highly strung couple of months. People watching there p's and q's for fear of upsetting the groups twisted dynamic of backstabbing, lying and cheating. Now that he know's of his girlfriend's extra cirricular activities he still chooses to be with her, I mean if it were me in that situation I wouldn't stay in the relationship a minute longer yet saying that if I loved the guy I just dont know if I could make that judgement.

So kudos to him for being a man and standing up and staying with her cause a lot of men wouldn't but there are concerns I believe he is handling this a little too well which makes me wonder if he hasn't got a game plan or revenge plot because all males are primative when it comes to adultry especially when the misses cheats because the big green monster rears its ugly head, said male goes into defence mode like two lions scrapping to be the top dog and to win the gurl of course.

Not is all as it seems definately will have to watch this space...

It's official I'm turning into my mother (shock horror) but what more can you expect from a pig than a grunt.

It's quite embarrassing really because everything I loathe in my mother is now taking a hold of me, I caught myself reciting one of my mothers well known rants about the youth of today, verse and chapter the other day and I couldn't believe it. It's a touchy subject with all women I think (whether they admit it or not) nobody wants to be like their parents but what I've come to realise is that I like moaning and if that means I'm following in the ole brushes footsteps then so be it.

I don't like it when the people over the road play loud music into the early hours of the morning, I don't like the way old people think they have a god given right to be first in line for everything, I hate the fact when waiting to pay for something in a shop there's only one girl on the till while the rest of them are standing around talking and gossiping about what so and so did at the weekend (hello, open another till!) I could go on but you get my drift but I do wonder at what age do you become your parents?

It's a scary notion to think you'll turn into your mother one day for any girl but what I've learnt is when you come to see your parents as human beings with their own problems, it is oddly, kind of liberating. When you realize… they're way more messed up than you are. It's not worth your time or energy to go on despising them for it.

Well… slowly but surely the group is disintegrating into pieces, killed off by it's own secrets and lies.

I knew this would happen and it's not even a case of I told you so, it's a bit sad really cause take all that away and you have a crazy bunch of friendly people that meshed well together (nothing to do with the copious amounts of alcohol or drugs consumed, no…) I mean, is this what its like for every group of friends? I would like to think we're not the only ones but if we're really all this fucked up then god help the next generation.

I am feeling somewhat positive about the changes that will follow these past tumultuous weeks, even though things still aren't what they seem and I have to be careful about what I say and whom I say it to.

I do believe it will sort its self out, these things always do (it might not seem like it at the time) and if I can part any words of wisdom upon them it would be this 'GET A GRIP' and a little quote a friend of mine passed on which I found highly amusing brightening my day no end 'keep regular'…

Not that I'm a person that moans a lot (who am I kidding) but I'm sick of certain friends at the moment, it might sound harsh but it's true.

All they ever do is bitch and fight between each other, sleep with each other (even if attached - more so the better it seems) and gossip like it's going of fashion and the more testosterone they have the worse they are.

I'm no wilting flower here and innocent by no means but I think time hasn't half showed me their true colours which leaves me with the question: how can I be friends with this bunch of maladjusted people? The crux of it is, for all their idiosyncrasies, they are my mates. A couple of them I couldn't be without they've have carried me through some trying times and words can't describe the gratitude I have for them (they know who they are, cheers kids!)

Yet lately I have been the top of the gossip column for some time now (not that I'm adverse to being centre of attention - who isn't?) but it's just plain annoying that they can't find anything else better the talk about (I mean, not even the latest Corrie plot has them distracted) so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that a new story will roll on in to town...

To be honest this isn't where I want to have my personal life played out in front of me but I really need to purge. Currently my brother and I are not speaking because he believes his recent actions were right and they weren't, they were wrong, so very wrong, on so many levels.

I'm not over reacting here (the people who know him will understand were I'm coming from) his irrational behaviour causes murder for me and he doesn't see it. I try and do the grown-up thing by having a civil discussion or ten but it falls on deaf ears and I feel like my head is stuck in-between a rock and a hard place.

Is it a sibling thing that over time you come to resent them? That you wished that you'd never known them in the first place? (or at least your mum and dad should have abstained from sex thus never putting you in this position in the first place) It's funny because so many people have commented "how the hell are you's two related?" but it's true we are bore from the same apple tree, I just think he fall far, far away, down into a ditch.

I really can't reason with him as he see's me as being an ungrateful cow (maybe I am) but in the long run he is laying the ground for awkward chance meeting's that I just don't need. I could sit here and try to justify his behaviour because we have had several family tragedies but you don't see moi acting like an arsehole of the grandest kind!

I'm not heartless and I understand people handle things differently but I think he was born a twat but that's a different story.....

Bored to buggery I am, with life, work even the child has lost his lustre in the grand scheme of things and to sum it up this little antidote says it all "Perfection obtained is a discomforting state."

Why is it we work to obtain the unobtainable but if by some miracle we are lucky enough to experience are wildest dreams and aspirations we immediately go into self-destruct mode? I mean it's like I'm not happy unless I'm worried or stressing over something, how mad is that?

After the dust has settled from a tumultuous 14 years of death, heartache, depression (you get the picture) My life recently has been on the up if you like and I'm at a loss at what do. What now? Where do I go from here?

I have sweet baby boy of 6 months (may I add the best decision of my life) working full time and have a lovely home. Yet I feel like it's not enough and because of this I find myself getting into mischief which in itself, is harmless enough but I wish I could just be normal without all the drama... but then define normal

Well as I sit here and type my latest entry I am still smarting over a conversation I had the other night with a new love interest. I say interest as nothing has happened as yet and therein lays the problem.

It's not that I don't want things to progress but the situation is complicated to say the least, I'm single, he's attached. (catch my drift?) Things got heated and then they didn't in part because I didn't want to (who am I kidding?) and knew it was playing with fire but isn't that the attraction in the first place, having what isn't yours?

Which led to this conversation, " if what you say about your past is true, then why are the knob heads you've been involved with get the benefit of your sex drive, while I someone who genuinely likes you get the cold shoulder?" WOW kudos to you mate, I think that's the nicest way anyone has called me a slut!