This Place Is Inconvenient For My Name

Domestice abuse is a delicate subject to talk about I know but I feel I need to before I explode in frustration. The reason being is someone close to me who for obvious reasons I can't name is physically and mentally abusing to his partner, the mother of his child. I have tried many a time help her get away from him but just when you think she's genno take that step she backs off and stays with him.

I've tried to rationalise this in my head and try to understand from her point of view why she hasn't left him sooner because if I ever, ever found myself in that position where my partner became abusive I would walk out of the door like a shot, believe you me. I really feel strongly about this as being subjected to many a abusive senario with my own mother and father over the years kind of makes you more strong in your resolve to do things differently in the future.

The person in question I have to tell you is a very clever, calculating and a manipulative piece of work, bascically he's bad'un and didn't fall far from the apple tree, let me assure you. The fact is he has the tendency to twist things around and make himself look like the victim and has a perchance for attention seeking to the point of self harm. This only ever happens when he's had a few beers which is followed by the obligatory morning after 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean it' speech.

Now I asked my mum why it took her so long to leave my dad being in the same situation, she said she stayed for my brother and I as she wanted us to have a father figure in our lives, even if that meant aquring the odd black eye or bruise in the process. It's beyond me, it really is but then life isn't black and white is it? It has the subtle line of grey gushing through the middle which make's everything that little more complicated.

I feel at a complete and utter loss at what to do because I know if I notify the appropriate authorities to act upon this then said victim will deny all knowledge thus leaving them with no alternative to drop the allegations. If I take it upon myself to confront the bully himself all I would be acheiving there is more abusive for the victim at a later date.

I had this over whelming urge to watch 'Santa Claus The Movie' last night, (for reasons I can't fathom) which led me to thinking about our family Christmas's.

How we had the best-decorated house in the street and the Christmas tree was your piste de resistance. How I long to be 8 years old again on Christmas Eve getting ready for bed, excited Santa was coming (it wasn't until I was 10 years old did I realise the guy in the 'fat suit' was you) leaving the traditional mince pie and a glass of milk. Only when Santa started asking for a can of 'beer' instead of milk, I knew then it was you but I pretended I still believed because it was nice if only for a little while to escape into a land of make believe.

Don't get me wrong there were a lot of bad memories I remember about you but after a while, not so much and that can only be a good thing right? When is it we forget about the bad stuff and romanticise the good memories we have of our passed relatives?

I mean my friends are so lucky to still have their dad's around, they still get to fight and argue with them which I never got to do with you and not to sound detrimental but I don't think they will realise that until they are gone.

For all your shit Dad I miss your terribly and I never realised how much until recently because for a really long time I felt nothing about your passing. I was too busy being angry with you for leaving my brother and I without a father but as time has gone by and I've had a child of my own it's opened up a Pandora's box let me tell you. I get so emotional about anything and everything, which is ironic considering I was brought up in a family who believed emotions were a sign of weakness.

Well all I seem to do lately is dwell on the past; you and what life would be like if you were here still. I so wish you could've met my son, he's a right character and for what it's worth I think, no I know you would have made a great Granddad. Thinking of you always x

Slimfast or not to Slimfast that is the question. Well I have decided to take the bull by the horns and force myself to drink this so called miracle drink. It's clever really masquerading it's self as a milkshake when in fact it is fowl tasting gloop! If I had more time on my hands I would quite gladly go the gym but between working fulltime and motherhood demanding as it is, doesn't leave a lot of time for me. Maybe it's selfish but the weekend is the only real time I get to spend with my son and I don't fancy spending my spare time in the gym.

I really do miss the adrenalin rush after a good workout because even though I've been eating healthy for the last couple of hours (insert laughter here) I still feel I need to exercise. Before I was blessed with my offspring I had lost just 6 stone (I'm always in a constant battle with my weight - then again who isn't?) and was feeling good about myself. I'll be honest it wasn't easy it took sheer willpower, protein shakes and lots of exercise to lose it all.

As I sit here and type my stomach is growling and I feel like someone has cut my throat. I am not ashamed to admit that I love food but in the same breath I hate it because I can't even look at a plate of chips without it automatically adding 4 pounds to my already excess baggage.I know I have to keep things in perspective cause at the end of the day I will benefit for my health and vanity (you don't have to be stick thin to be vain, us larger than life ladies can be just as conceited about our looks as the next gal) but it's just the bloody process of getting there.

I know the first few weeks are the killer when you start a diet but once I've bypassed the cravings and the mental thinking "oh just have one it won't hurt..." then I know I've got it sorted. Easier said than done, never a truer phrase spoken as "no pain no gain"