I'm not depressed I don't think but it's not what I think that matters anymore these days according to the doctors anyway. I am apparently clinically depressed, induced by the tramua of a messy breakup. It figures there would be a man in the equasion somewhere, there always is. If I'm honest I've been like this for a while, before the relationship ended in fact and through my own selfish, self absorbed way I failed to communicate with my other half about it. If I had of done? Who knows I wouldn't be single now and feeling completely on my own against the world. It's funny how people measure their selfworth against being in a relationship or not.
As much I would like to say it was all my fault it wasn't. I felt I gave 100% if not more into our relationship and I was geting stonewalled everytime. I suppose the signs where there early on and I chose to ignore them but when you want something to work so badly, you end up rationalising your partners faults as it's the norm. Somewhere along the line I lost my confidence and self worth because he had me convinced that my feelings of him cheating where completely unfounded, I was going mad and it was all in my head. Now I am not by nature a jealous or possessive woman but women's intuition aside I should I followed my gut instinct because up until now, it's never failed me not once.
I mean every relationship has it's ups and down's whose doesn't? but we were in a good place at this point and I still can't understand why he'd look elsewhere. He claims to this day nothing happended with this other woman until I had finished it with him. He's clever that way, he was too scared to end the relationship himself and didn't want to feel gulity in doing so by pushing me to my limits by not turning up when plans had been made, ignoring his phone for days on end, he left me with no other option, he had won.
We did the obligatory swapping of things the other day on our anniversay of all days, it was all very pleasant, polite conversation was had by all. When he decides to tell me he wants us to stay in touch and for us not to become strangers. Blindsided was an understatement to say the least especially after the way the breakup happended. I don't want to relive a recent painful memory so please forgive me for not spilling my guts out just yet because the truth is, I still love him and I probably will love him for a very long time. But I can't just be his friend, because as much as i enjoy the concept of being "just friends" in reality it's a bizarre form of torture and i'm just not willing to participate in it. so right now what i wanna do is just move on and get over him and the only way for me to do that is to not be around him anymore.
Thing is I've never really put much faith in all that "if you love someone, set them free" crap, as evidenced by everything I've done in my life up to this very moment, but I am determined to be happy but I'm scared that I'm going to end up alone I'm scared that I'm always going to be somebody's friend, or sister, or confident, never quite somebody's everything. Mostly I'm scared I'm never going to find a guy that I love as much as I loved him.
